Oy, forgive me Lord for I have sinned

I SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKED
=[


Jordan.A

What should I do, what should I do?!

I'm so tempted to go back to smoking again.
Although I've quit since January 26th.
I just feel like a cigarette so much right now.
I need something to relieve the stress.
I've been good so far... it just confuses me!!
My brain says yes and no at the same time.
It isn't easy...

I was thinking about something...
"IF" I start smoking again; I could probably cut it down.
I know I used to chain smoke a lot... which is BAD!!
But, I could just be a social smoker and smoke when I'm out with friends.
I smoked Winfield greys which is about 2mils.
I would just take it slowly and see how I go with it.
I'll just start again for a bit and then quit again.

AAAAAAAAARGH I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

I know that my singing sounds good to me... although it still needs improvement.
but I just really feel stressed and have everything bottled up inside and feel like to explode!!
I'm trying not to be weak and be strong!
I'm trying to take the fight!!!
I'm starting to break down.... it's too much for me!!
I don't know what I should do!!
*sigh*


Jordan.A

As time goes by

I begin to wonder for the future.
What's left for me?
What is left to hope in?

Am I having my hopes too high for being a successful singer?
Am I looking for something that isn't there?
Am I wasting my time?

I don't know...

I pray and pray every single night for a miracle.
I try my best to never give up hope and keep believing.
But I just don't know if I can hold on any longer...

I really do want this... I love music. It's my passion... my life.
I dream about this so much for it to happen.
I don't want to give up hope in this.
I do have faith... well what's left of it.

I had a dream last night...
I was in some unknown place; staring out in the night sky.
I saw a bright shooting star streak across the sky.
I remember saying "I wish to be a singer"

And then I woke up into reality...

I just wish and pray that my rainbow will come smiling through...

Sometimes things don't happen for a reason I guess...


Jordan.A

Ok, I've made my decision =D

I'll be going to the Eurovision Song Contest next year in Moscow, Russia.

I love this contest so much.
It's the greatest thing that I've encountered upon.
It's my passion.
It's my obsession.

BUT

I will still go to Los Angeles, California next year for a 2 month holiday for my 20th birthday.


I'll just make sure to save as much as I can!!!!!


Moscow HERE I COME!!!

Los Angeles HERE I COME.... MAYBE!!!



Jordan.A

Don't wait until it's too late

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.

I've seen a lot of people in love and I'm real happy for them.
I've seen their passion and the connection they have with each other.
I've seen the warmth feeling and the strong love they feel for each other.
It's the most precious thing in the entire world.
I know without love; there's nothing.
I know without your soul mate; there's nothing.

In life we face a lot of trials and hard choices.
We do things that we regret doing.
We do things that we're not proud of.
We wish we could turn back time and change the past.

I guess we all have to move forward with our life.
We should never look back on what might have been.
We should just look to what's in front of us and work on it.
We should always believe in ourselves and try our best.
We should never let anyone bring us down.
We should always be who we are and never change.

I know there's a lot of people who are in love with a certain someone.
They're afraid of telling that person how they feel.
They're afraid of getting hurt if it doesn't turn out the way they hoped for.
You should always listen to your heart.
Don't spend the rest of your life waiting for it to happen.
Don't spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.
No matter what happens in life... we should always have courage to admit our feelings.

If you truly love someone... who ever it is.
Don't wait until the last minute.
Life gives and takes away.
Any of us could die any minute or day.
We should always make each day count and live life to the fullest.
Don't spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been if you didn't tell that person how you felt.
We should be thankful for every second we live on this earth.

If you truly love someone... who ever it is.
Please tell them how you feel about them.
Don't wait until it's too late.

We don't want to regret never telling them.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.



Jordan.A

I need to choose =[

I'm planning on going to California next year in July til the end of August for a 2 month holiday to celebrate my 20th birthday...

BUT

I also got offered to go to the 54th Eurovision Song Contest in Moscow, Russia next year...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

I want to visit California and see my friends and spend time with them

BUT

Eurovision is my LIFE!

It's my passion.
It's my obsession.

It's the greatest song contest in the WORLD!!!!!


I'm so torn apart those 2....

what shall I do... what shall I do... what shall I do...

I've had ENOUGH!!

I've had enough of people ALWAYS taking advantage of me.
If you want to play these sick little mind games with me; then go ahead.
Don't think you'll hurt me.
Don't think you'll get me down.

Because I'm warning you now


YOU WILL LOSE


Jordan.A

Argh I hate her!!!

I just told my mum that I want to go to Los Angeles next year for a 2 month holiday. She asked me "what are you going to do there?" and I told her "I just want to see what it's like; so if I'm going to live there I'll know what I'm getting into" and she was like "you can't go unless you achieved something" and I told her "I just want to go on holiday and gain some independance" and she was like "you're not going to go" and I told her that she always holds my hand and never lets me experience what I truly want and she denied the whole thing.

I seriously am breaking inside.

She's the real cause of it.

I hate her.

Why "Vertigo" means a lot to me

As a majority of you know,

I'm passionate and obsessed with the song "Vertigo". It was written by Gerard James Borg and sung by Olivia Lewis. Not only am I obsessed with the artistic oriental asian performance. I'm also passionate about the lyrics. I feel as though they were written just for me. I can definitely relate to them very well.


You're spinnin' me round and you're holdin' me down
Lovin' you gives me vertigo
I'm losin' my ground, givin' in to your heart
Kissin' you gives me vertigo

And I'm lost, then I'm found
And I run, then I hide
And I turn, you're not there
I say yes, you say no
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

And I give, but you take
I made one big mistake
Gave you all, A to Z
Then you came, now you go
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

You're liftin' me high, then you're takin' me low
It's feelin' like I'm getting vertigo
You colour me blue, turn my passion to red
It's feelin' like I've become indigo

And I give, but you take
I made one big mistake
Gave you all, A to Z
Then you came, now you go
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

Am I crazy? Could it be maybe
Solo is the way to go?

And I'm lost, then I'm found
And I run, then I hide
And I turn, you're not there
I say yes, you say no
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

And I give, but you take
I made one big mistake
Gave you all, A to Z
Then you came, now you go
Lovin' you gives me vertigo



Here's my theory based on the lyrics.
This is the real reason why it means so much to me.



Sometimes when you're in love; it holds you down. You lose yourself by giving into your lovers heart. When you passionately kiss them; it's the greatest feeling.

As you begin a life on your own; you intend on losing ourself. But with that person by your side; they will find your inner self. You run from the truth and hide from your real self. Sometimes you turn for someone; but they're not there.

You always give and give, but they take advantage of you. You make that one biggest mistake by giving them all A to Z.

A relationship can lift you high and then take you low. That person can colour you blue and turn your passion to red. It'll feel as though you've become indigo: mixed up.

All those who are in a relationship; begin to wonder...

"Am I crazy? Could it be maybe, solo is the way to go?"

That question will always wonder through your mind.

I must admit that I've experienced bad relationships in the past. And this song describes the situation so well. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way.

Sometimes we should take the chance IF the opportunity comes. You just hope someone proves to you that being in a relationship is worth it.

I guess you'll never know what to expect.



Jordan.A

I need to break out

I honestly can't deal with this anymore.
I'm trapped in a world that I can't get out.
I feel confused and afraid and so empty inside.
I'm always being controlled by my parents.
I can't do anything without them stopping me.
It has changed me so much into someone I know I'm not.
It has made me afraid and unmotivated and undetermined.

I do know deep down I want to be free.
I want to be motivated and really determined.
I want to be who I am and live my dream.
But I just think that it'll never happen.

I really do love my parents.
I know they stuck by me through rough times.
But I can never do anything without them always holding my hand.
I understand that they want to see what's best for me.
But they keep pressuring me to do what they want me to do.
I try and try to be strong but deep down I'm breaking apart.
I've been crying for the past 10 minutes.
I just can't deal with it much longer.

I just want to take the first step of being independant.
I don't want them holding my hand all the time.
I know if I try to speak to them; they will argue and will never allow it.

I just don't know what to do or expect anymore.

I'm planning to visit Los Angeles next year to celebrate my 20th birthday.
I want to go alone.
I want to see what I'll be stepping into.
I'm not dumb.
I'm not stupid.
I know what's right.
I know what's wrong.
I don't know why they don't trust me.

I have made friends in America.
I know my parents will not even care.
I know they care about me and don't want to see me get hurt.
But they already have hurt me.

I know I won't be able to go.
They will always stop me from doing what I believe in doing.
I know they will argue with me and never allow it.

I love Australia... it's my home.
But I know I don't belong in Australia.
I don't fit in.
It's not where I was meant to be.
I just feel out of place here.

I just feel like running away.
I just want to be who I am.
I just want to set myself free.

I just don't know what to make sense of anymore.
I just don't know.

Who can I trust?

I just don't know who to trust anymore.

I'm just afraid of giving out my full trust to people and fucked up again. I've been stupid and blind enough to give it to them and in the end I paid the price. I just don't think I can get close to people like I used to. I know we all have to take chances in our life... but at the moment... I just don't know. It's very complicated and I just have thinking about it.

I'm afraid of going into another relationship with someone; because I know I'll end up at square one again. I don't know if that person is cheating on me behind my back. I don't know if they really love me. I don't know if they respect me for who I am. I don't know if they'll get bored of me. It's these kind of things that make me afraid of being with someone.

I hate going to bed alone. I just want someone who will always love me. Someone who I can grow old with. Someone I can always laugh and cry with. Someone I can turn to cry on their shoulder. Someone who will protect me. Someone who will accept and respect me for who I am. Someone to cuddle with during the night. Someone to make me part of their world.

I hope someone can prove me wrong. I just don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know what to believe in. I just don't know who I can trust these days.

I guess with this generation I'll never know.


Jordan.A

Damnit!

I'm getting sick again. I hate winter. It's really one of the worst seasons of the year. Thank god I don't live in a city that has snow. I'll be dead if I did.


Jordan

Sometimes

sometimes in life we wish for something we can't have.
sometimes in life that certain something is worth fighting for.
sometimes in life we can get that certain something.
sometimes in life that certain something will leave you wondering:
what could have been if you didn't fight for it.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted anything lately. It's been a crazy past few months but I keep moving forward. I've been caught with a virus for almost 3 weeks now. I haven't been able to go to lessons due to the fact I lost my voice from a terrible sore throat. I know that I'm falling behind on my vocal training; mind you a lot of things have been distracting me. Once I recover I'll be training and having more lessons to catch up.

It's been an interesting month for me. A lot of mixed emotions that I didn't want coming back. I don't like talking about myself... but I need to write down my thoughts. I've been feeling very melancholy these past few days. I barely see my friends anymore. I don't see my relatives anymore. It's just been real lonely. I know I have my friends online... but it's not the same for me. I just would like to have someone to be there for me... to hold me.

I know that singing is like weight-lifting: it takes time to build up your vocal cords. I just wish I could be ready to go out there and sing professionally. I just want to join my fellow birds and fly among them. I need to spread my wings and fly. I know it takes time. I know I have to be patient, but the time is killing me. I just feel like running away. I want to set myself free and be ready to live my dream. I just need to make it work.

Singing is my dream. It's my passion. It's my obsession. It's my life. I just hope it all works out for me. I pray to God every single night to help me. I know I have to do most of the work on my own; but I just need him to be with me to give me strength. I really do want this. It's all that's going for me right now. I know I have to work and fight hard for it. I'm prepared to do it. I just wish my vocals would be ready. I just have to work on my high/low notes and my pitch; other than that... my breathing technique has improved.

I know that the Entertainment Industry isn't easy... nothing in life is; but we got to keep the ball rolling. If we fall, we get up. We all have to face our darkest demons at some point, but an angel always shines through to us in the end. We just have to keep believing and having faith in our dreams. We should never give up hope... no matter how bad things get. As I always say: the soul of life is just a song and everything goes on along. There's no right beat. We can't go back again.

I guess it's one of those days, right?

As the saying goes...

"Great things come to those who wait."

I just hope that "wait" is worth it in the end.


Jordan

Could this be a sign?

A dream is a dream. Sometimes they don't mean anything. Sometimes they tell us something that we need to know. It's quite confusing. I don't know if my dream is trying to tell me something or it doesn't mean anything. I base my life around the fairy tale of "Cinderella"; because of the message of the story: never give up on what you believe in; if you want something, you have to fight and work hard for it; just keep believing in your dreams and yourself.

Anyways, last night, I had a dream. I was in some garden and there was a girl crying. She couldn't see me, but I could see her. Suddenly, a woman appeared and pulled out a magic wand. I realized I was in the story of "Cinderella". After a while, the Stepmother appeared with a magic wand. The Fairy Godmother and the Stepmother were battling against each other.

Usually, the good side wins but this time the Stepmother won. The power from the Fairy Godmothers' wand was destroyed and Cinderella didn't have her "happy ever after". I know some people might call me stupid or odd... but could this be a sign that my dream of becoming a successful singer be an epic failure?

It's quite confusing to be honest. I'm not paying attention to it or that I'm worrying about it... but it's just a thought. I know singers/actors/dancers/models get rejected most of the time. It happens. The Entertainment Industry is a tough game. You got to play your cards right. You have to keep the ball rolling, no matter what happens, and keep moving forward.

As long as I have my family and friends to support and push me; then it's going to be worth the journey. I'm doing this for all the right reasons. I know staying true to yourself and being who you are will always make the person shine. Besides, as long as I have faith in Jesus Christ (always have and will) and have him in my life: it will make me the most thankful person alive.


Jordan

One of those "days"

When you feel empty and numb inside.
When you feel like screaming... but nothing comes out.
When you need someone to be there for you... but there's no one.
When you want to be with the person you love... they are not there.
When you hide the pain from others and pretend nothing is wrong.
When you want to achieve and succed on your dream... it takes time .
When you wish and pray every night to build that dream... it takes time.
When you don't have any friends that share the same interests as you.
When you can't find anyone that has a passion for singing or acting.
When you replace your emotions with food to make you better.
When you feel so alone and trapped.
When you feel as though no one can understand you.
When you feel like crying... but nothing comes out.
When your chest hurts from the pain.
That's what I'm feeling right now...
I just wish I had someone to take me away.
I just wish I could be living my dream right now.
I just wish I had my wings to fly with the birds.
I just wish I was living my dream.
I just wish I was out there.
I just wish time hurried up.

I had the most WEIRDEST dream

I had a dream the other night. I was having a physical fight with someone (I didn't see their face) as the fight got intense,I was like: "beware the force is with me". Out of no where the Star Wars "theme" began to play and I pulled out a lightsaber and began fighting. I woke up, paused for a moment, then I LOL'D.

No wonder why my blog is called "Unique Blogs", because I have unique dreams HAH!


Jordan

Where do I belong? Who am I?

"Where do I belong?" is the question that wanders through our hearts and minds. Sometimes we feel out of place. Sometimes we feel like we don't belong. Sometimes we don't feel right with ourselves. We want to belong, somewhere, where we can be who we are, who we were meant to be. Each time we try and speak out, it feels as though no one can hear us. We pray for an answer. We dream how life could be. We wonder if we'll end up happy. We hope that we'll spread our wings and be who we were meant to be.

Deep inside, we feel trapped, as though we can't escape the jail we've been imprisoned in. We want to break through the bars that's been keeping us trapped. We just want to runaway, before we lose our mind. We want to be free. We want to be out of the darkness and into the light. Just want to be far away. Some place that we can begin a new life and turn our dream into reality. We want to be independent. We want to be successful. And complete our destiny, which, is yet to be written.

We feel scared. We're afraid of the consequences that may lay ahead of us. We're afraid of failure. We're afraid of being alone. Sometimes we feel afraid of coming out of our shell because the world might view us differently. Others may not accept us for who we are. Sometimes, we just have to face it through the storm, face our darkest demons, because in the end, an angel always shines through to us. The light will lead our hearts to our true selves.

We just want to leave the nest. We just want to spread our wings and fly. We'll do whatever it takes to reach the sky. We have to sacrifice the things we love to accomplish what we want or be who we want to be with. We all have to take risks. We just have to work and fight extremely hard. We all have to make a change in our life. We just have to stay true to ourselves. No matter what we go through in life, we have to have faith and believe in ourselves.

Sometimes we ask ourselves, "Who am I?", and pray for answer. Sometimes we don't get an answer. Deep in your heart. Deep in your soul. That answer is located within yourself. Sometimes we hide from our true identity, because we're afraid of being hurt, because we're not ready to accept it, yet. We run and hide. We feel lost. We turn for help and never get it. We pretend to be something we're not to please others, to protect ourself from the reality. But, in the end, will it be worth it?

We change our personalities, we change our identity, we hide from our self to fit into society. Yet, we don't realize the damage it's doing to us. It hurts. Our heart aches. Our minds wander through a million thoughts. It hurts us, knowing, that everything we built around us, was a lie. It's not who we were meant to be. It's not what our destiny had planned for us. We choose to make our destiny. We choose how we live our life. But, it comes at a price: your sanity.

We should never hide in our shell. We should never hide who we are. We should never hide our true identity. Because, sooner or later, we will be revealed. There will be a point in life, where we won't be able to handle it, and we would crack. We'll do something that we'll regret. Something we wished we did a long time ago: be true to ourselves from the begining. We just have to to be strong in these cases. We have to face it as it comes. We just have to show the world: that we don't care what they think. We are who we were born to be.

You should always be who you are. You should always be who you were born to be. Even in today, society can be a total mess, you should always stay true to yourself. We should not care what others think of us. We were born into this world as individuals. We are all unique. We are who we are. The soul of life is just a song and everything goes on along. There's no right beat. We should never look back. We just have to keep looking forward. We got to keep the ball rolling. No matter how long it takes.

We all want to be where we belong. We all want to be something. You have to work and fight extremely hard to do that. Sacrifices will be made. As long as we stay true to yourself, it will be worth it. Because God will bless you. He will open so many doors for you. And life will treat you with respect and dignity. Being who you are, makes us what we are today...

Unique


Jordan

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall..." is the most well-known phrase to everyone. Except, what do we really see in front of the mirror? Do we see a popular teenager? Do we see someone with an eating disorder? Do we see someone trying to fit in? Do we see someone trying to be something they're not? Those few questions may not seem that important to some, but to others it wanders through their mind, repeatedly.

These days, a lot of people, mostly teenagers, pretend to be something they're not. They join gangs. They do drugs. They change their personality in front and behind your back. They change their behaviour, aggressively. They lose weight for the wrong reasons. Above all, is it worth it? Are you accomplishing something by doing this? Damaging your body? Hurting those around you, because of your own insecurities? Getting into trouble with the law? Or even worse, being killed? Are they that worth it?

I know a lot of people out there want to lose weight. I understand that, hell, I need to lose the weight I've put on, but are you doing it for all the right reasons? Think about it. Teenagers in this generation are so wrapped up in the media society:

Fashion
Magazines
Actors
Actresses
Dancers
Singers

And just because those people have the best bodies, doesn't mean we have to level ourselves down to them. It doesn't mean they have the "perfect" life if they have a "perfect" body. Most people feel ugly on the inside and end up being unhappy. I'm not saying that everyone who is fit and built are arrogant. I'm saying that so many teenagers want to be something they're not. Many starve themselves down to an alarming weight. They want to look like their idols. But is it worth changing who you are? It's never worth it. Being who you are is what God made you to be. You don't have to change that.

If a person loses weight for someone they want to notice them, is it worth it? Honestly? That person is blind if he/she don't realize the kind of person you are on the inside. If you are a caring and loving person with a good soul, then that person, who doesn't see you for you, will never realize what kind of sad and pathetic loser they are. You can do better than that. You lose weight because you want to be healthy, not because you want some punk ass to notice you. We all want people to see us for who we really are. We all want to express our love for one another, no matter what gender; nationality; sexuality; size we are. We are all individuals, but we have one thing in common: we all have a heart.

Those who've put others through hell because of being overweight; for being gay; for being a lesbian or for coming from another background. You better get your life together, because honestly, you will never realize the kind of idiotic, self-obsorbed, arrogant asshole you really are. We all have a heart. We all hurt. Why would anyone want to put someone through hell, without knowing what kind of situations that person might be having in their personal life? What if that person was suicidal? What would you do if something happened? Those are the situations we all have to face and question ourselves with. Nothing shouldn't be kept in the dark.

How about when taking drugs? Is it worth damaging your life? Are you doing it because of your friends? Are you doing it because you want to fit into a social group? Think about it? Is it worth it? Ask yourself that, when you look in the mirror. We all make mistakes in life. We're not all perfect. Sometimes we have to face our demons, but it doesn't mean with have to take the wrong path to destruction. No matter what we face in life, no matter how tough our darkest hours may be, an angel always shines through to the end. Just have faith and be strong with all the courage you have, because it's never worth destroying your life. It's never worth pretending to be something you're not.

Just remember to be who you are. You don't have to change for anyone. You be what you want to be. You do what you believe is right. Don't be afraid of anything. You will have a lot of friends and family supporting you and even if you don't have family or friends to support you, I will support you. Always stay true to yourself. You are perfect the way God made you. You can achieve anything you want to be, only if you put your mind and heart to it. Do yourself a favour, go out there, have your head held high, and be proud to be YOU.


"Mirror, Mirror on the wall. What do you see?"

You tell me.



Jordan

Could solo be the way to go?

"Am I crazy? Could it be maybe? Solo is the way to go?" is the question on most of people's minds. We all dream of a life that our Prince or Princess Charming will come and sweep us off our feet and live a Fairy Tale life. But, that life comes at a price: heartache.

I don't like being negative about love, but this is something that most people question and wonder about the reasons. We all want to have that someone special in our life. Someone who will be there for us in our darkest hours. Someone to love and care for you. Someone to make you feel so special and important to them. But, most importantly, someone who will accept us for who we are.

Love is such a powerful word. Do we mean it? Do we feel it? Can we live without it? I don't know. I've had my share of heartache in the past. I must admit that I was ready to give up on love. But, for once in my life, I was wrong. I was given one more chance. I love this person with all my heart. I see them for who they are. Something about them has cast a spell on me and I can't get them out of my mind and heart. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. I just have to work and fight hard to be with that person, get them to notice me.

Sometimes in life, we're lost without that certain someone. We are always in hiding from ourselves, until that special someone finds the real you inside. We sometimes turn for someone and they're not there, but with that person by your side, they'll always will be. Sometimes we give and they take, we make that one big mistake by giving them all from A to Z, in which it will cost us our very own hearts. Sometimes love can be a powerful feeling and sometimes love can be the most hurtful feeling.

After being through several relationships, I've realized that in life, love can always make you stronger. No matter how painful, no matter how hurtful, no matter how dark the situation is, love can make you into a stronger person. I know we have to be careful to who we give our full hearts to. I know we have to rely on ourselves for when things seem out of hand. Just face it until the storm passes.

Sometimes in life, love can take us high and take us low. It can colour you blue and turn your passion to red, until you feel like you've become indigo. But, love has that feeling of pain and happiness. We just have to stay true to ourselves and be strong as much as possible. Don't let anything destroy what you believe in, because as I've said: karma is a bitch, what goes around, comes around.

If you truly love someone, who ever it is, don't give up on them. Don't let them slip through your fingers. Do everything that's possible to be with them. Do what they do; try to communicate with them and be who you are. You must be prepared to work and fight hard for the long road ahead. Don't ever give up, even if it means just being friends with that person, it will still be better than nothing. It will make you realize how grateful you are to have that person in your life. Just believe and stay true to yourself.


Jordan