Monday, 14 July 2008

Oy, forgive me Lord for I have sinned



What should I do, what should I do?!

I'm so tempted to go back to smoking again.
Although I've quit since January 26th.
I just feel like a cigarette so much right now.
I need something to relieve the stress.
I've been good so far... it just confuses me!!
My brain says yes and no at the same time.
It isn't easy...

I was thinking about something...
"IF" I start smoking again; I could probably cut it down.
I know I used to chain smoke a lot... which is BAD!!
But, I could just be a social smoker and smoke when I'm out with friends.
I smoked Winfield greys which is about 2mils.
I would just take it slowly and see how I go with it.
I'll just start again for a bit and then quit again.


I know that my singing sounds good to me... although it still needs improvement.
but I just really feel stressed and have everything bottled up inside and feel like to explode!!
I'm trying not to be weak and be strong!
I'm trying to take the fight!!!
I'm starting to break down.... it's too much for me!!
I don't know what I should do!!


As time goes by

I begin to wonder for the future.
What's left for me?
What is left to hope in?

Am I having my hopes too high for being a successful singer?
Am I looking for something that isn't there?
Am I wasting my time?

I don't know...

I pray and pray every single night for a miracle.
I try my best to never give up hope and keep believing.
But I just don't know if I can hold on any longer...

I really do want this... I love music. It's my passion... my life.
I dream about this so much for it to happen.
I don't want to give up hope in this.
I do have faith... well what's left of it.

I had a dream last night...
I was in some unknown place; staring out in the night sky.
I saw a bright shooting star streak across the sky.
I remember saying "I wish to be a singer"

And then I woke up into reality...

I just wish and pray that my rainbow will come smiling through...

Sometimes things don't happen for a reason I guess...


Ok, I've made my decision =D

I'll be going to the Eurovision Song Contest next year in Moscow, Russia.

I love this contest so much.
It's the greatest thing that I've encountered upon.
It's my passion.
It's my obsession.


I will still go to Los Angeles, California next year for a 2 month holiday for my 20th birthday.

I'll just make sure to save as much as I can!!!!!

Moscow HERE I COME!!!

Los Angeles HERE I COME.... MAYBE!!!


Don't wait until it's too late

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.

I've seen a lot of people in love and I'm real happy for them.
I've seen their passion and the connection they have with each other.
I've seen the warmth feeling and the strong love they feel for each other.
It's the most precious thing in the entire world.
I know without love; there's nothing.
I know without your soul mate; there's nothing.

In life we face a lot of trials and hard choices.
We do things that we regret doing.
We do things that we're not proud of.
We wish we could turn back time and change the past.

I guess we all have to move forward with our life.
We should never look back on what might have been.
We should just look to what's in front of us and work on it.
We should always believe in ourselves and try our best.
We should never let anyone bring us down.
We should always be who we are and never change.

I know there's a lot of people who are in love with a certain someone.
They're afraid of telling that person how they feel.
They're afraid of getting hurt if it doesn't turn out the way they hoped for.
You should always listen to your heart.
Don't spend the rest of your life waiting for it to happen.
Don't spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.
No matter what happens in life... we should always have courage to admit our feelings.

If you truly love someone... who ever it is.
Don't wait until the last minute.
Life gives and takes away.
Any of us could die any minute or day.
We should always make each day count and live life to the fullest.
Don't spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been if you didn't tell that person how you felt.
We should be thankful for every second we live on this earth.

If you truly love someone... who ever it is.
Please tell them how you feel about them.
Don't wait until it's too late.

We don't want to regret never telling them.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.


Thursday, 19 June 2008

I need to choose =[

I'm planning on going to California next year in July til the end of August for a 2 month holiday to celebrate my 20th birthday...


I also got offered to go to the 54th Eurovision Song Contest in Moscow, Russia next year...


I want to visit California and see my friends and spend time with them


Eurovision is my LIFE!

It's my passion.
It's my obsession.

It's the greatest song contest in the WORLD!!!!!

I'm so torn apart those 2....

what shall I do... what shall I do... what shall I do...

I've had ENOUGH!!

I've had enough of people ALWAYS taking advantage of me.
If you want to play these sick little mind games with me; then go ahead.
Don't think you'll hurt me.
Don't think you'll get me down.

Because I'm warning you now



Thursday, 12 June 2008

Argh I hate her!!!

I just told my mum that I want to go to Los Angeles next year for a 2 month holiday. She asked me "what are you going to do there?" and I told her "I just want to see what it's like; so if I'm going to live there I'll know what I'm getting into" and she was like "you can't go unless you achieved something" and I told her "I just want to go on holiday and gain some independance" and she was like "you're not going to go" and I told her that she always holds my hand and never lets me experience what I truly want and she denied the whole thing.

I seriously am breaking inside.

She's the real cause of it.

I hate her.

Why "Vertigo" means a lot to me

As a majority of you know,

I'm passionate and obsessed with the song "Vertigo". It was written by Gerard James Borg and sung by Olivia Lewis. Not only am I obsessed with the artistic oriental asian performance. I'm also passionate about the lyrics. I feel as though they were written just for me. I can definitely relate to them very well.

You're spinnin' me round and you're holdin' me down
Lovin' you gives me vertigo
I'm losin' my ground, givin' in to your heart
Kissin' you gives me vertigo

And I'm lost, then I'm found
And I run, then I hide
And I turn, you're not there
I say yes, you say no
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

And I give, but you take
I made one big mistake
Gave you all, A to Z
Then you came, now you go
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

You're liftin' me high, then you're takin' me low
It's feelin' like I'm getting vertigo
You colour me blue, turn my passion to red
It's feelin' like I've become indigo

And I give, but you take
I made one big mistake
Gave you all, A to Z
Then you came, now you go
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

Am I crazy? Could it be maybe
Solo is the way to go?

And I'm lost, then I'm found
And I run, then I hide
And I turn, you're not there
I say yes, you say no
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

And I give, but you take
I made one big mistake
Gave you all, A to Z
Then you came, now you go
Lovin' you gives me vertigo

Here's my theory based on the lyrics.
This is the real reason why it means so much to me.

Sometimes when you're in love; it holds you down. You lose yourself by giving into your lovers heart. When you passionately kiss them; it's the greatest feeling.

As you begin a life on your own; you intend on losing ourself. But with that person by your side; they will find your inner self. You run from the truth and hide from your real self. Sometimes you turn for someone; but they're not there.

You always give and give, but they take advantage of you. You make that one biggest mistake by giving them all A to Z.

A relationship can lift you high and then take you low. That person can colour you blue and turn your passion to red. It'll feel as though you've become indigo: mixed up.

All those who are in a relationship; begin to wonder...

"Am I crazy? Could it be maybe, solo is the way to go?"

That question will always wonder through your mind.

I must admit that I've experienced bad relationships in the past. And this song describes the situation so well. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way.

Sometimes we should take the chance IF the opportunity comes. You just hope someone proves to you that being in a relationship is worth it.

I guess you'll never know what to expect.


Monday, 9 June 2008

I need to break out

I honestly can't deal with this anymore.
I'm trapped in a world that I can't get out.
I feel confused and afraid and so empty inside.
I'm always being controlled by my parents.
I can't do anything without them stopping me.
It has changed me so much into someone I know I'm not.
It has made me afraid and unmotivated and undetermined.

I do know deep down I want to be free.
I want to be motivated and really determined.
I want to be who I am and live my dream.
But I just think that it'll never happen.

I really do love my parents.
I know they stuck by me through rough times.
But I can never do anything without them always holding my hand.
I understand that they want to see what's best for me.
But they keep pressuring me to do what they want me to do.
I try and try to be strong but deep down I'm breaking apart.
I've been crying for the past 10 minutes.
I just can't deal with it much longer.

I just want to take the first step of being independant.
I don't want them holding my hand all the time.
I know if I try to speak to them; they will argue and will never allow it.

I just don't know what to do or expect anymore.

I'm planning to visit Los Angeles next year to celebrate my 20th birthday.
I want to go alone.
I want to see what I'll be stepping into.
I'm not dumb.
I'm not stupid.
I know what's right.
I know what's wrong.
I don't know why they don't trust me.

I have made friends in America.
I know my parents will not even care.
I know they care about me and don't want to see me get hurt.
But they already have hurt me.

I know I won't be able to go.
They will always stop me from doing what I believe in doing.
I know they will argue with me and never allow it.

I love Australia... it's my home.
But I know I don't belong in Australia.
I don't fit in.
It's not where I was meant to be.
I just feel out of place here.

I just feel like running away.
I just want to be who I am.
I just want to set myself free.

I just don't know what to make sense of anymore.
I just don't know.